I Sought My Brother
by KHarmony
Summary: Song fic based on: What Hurts The Most  Dean has been left behind after Sam jumps into Lucifer's cage. His thoughts and memories of Sam haunt him on a rainy night alone with a whiskey bottle. Possible wincest if you squint or its just brotherly love


Name: I Sought My Brother

Date completed: Tues. Dec. 14th 2010

Word count: 5,940

This idea has probably been done before, probably more than once or twice even. But I like the idea and wanted to write it as a one shot. Hopefully my take is a little different from others. There are slight hints of wincest or it can just be seen as brotherly love. This is set between season 5 and season 6. Spoilers for the series are very prominent but there isn't much spoilers for season 6. And this is a song inspired fic, lyrics from "What Hurts The Most" are in italics. Enjoy!

* * *

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house_

_That don't bother me_

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out _

Rainy days tend to get people down. It's something about being stuck inside, the gloominess that descends with the sun blocked out, and watching the sky fall down. Psychologists and weather experts have tried to explain it in scientific terms. But for Dean Winchester rainy days are the worst and it doesn't matter what the brainiacs say about it, because he knows the reason. Watching the rain splatter the windows reminds him of tears. Tears he's cried, tears he's pent up, tears that'll never make a difference either way. But the rain isn't what really bothers him. The rain might force him to face his thoughts, but there's really no reason for the reminder. The pain is always there. It never goes away. It might go numb for a while. A few hours, a couple days, maybe a week. But it's always there, screaming at him about what he did wrong, how the world will never be right again for him.

Today the house was empty and the rain was pouring down in sheets. Ben was staying the night over at a friend's house and Lisa had gone to see her sister while he'd been at work. But she had gotten caught up there because of the torrential downpour. Maybe that was something else that caused the tears to come falling down. Lisa was visiting her sister. But for Dean he had no blood family left. They were all gone.

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though_

_Goin' on with you gone still upsets me_

This time he couldn't say he'd failed in his life sworn duty. In a way he had, but not in the way he had when Jake had put that knife into his brother's spine. He'd cried over his brother's dead body that time. But this time there was no body. This time there was no wound. No way to bring his Sammy back.

He took another swig of whiskey straight from the bottle (using a glass was pointless if he was going drink the whole damn thing anyways). Tears were threatening at the corners of his eyes, and why should he hold them back. There was no reason to be afraid of someone seeing him crying. Besides that, even if Lisa and Ben were home, they'd seen him cry dozens of times before, too many times to count.

So the tears fell down Dean's cheeks, mirroring the rain falling on the windows. The tears Dean weeps from his deep inside his soul all for his brother's lost soul. Because no matter how much time goes by, Dean can't quite go on with Sam, his Sammy, gone.

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay_

_But that's not what gets me _

He tried to honor the last promise he'd made to Sam. Tried to live a normal, "apple pie" life with Lisa and the kid. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes he could wake up by Lisa, kiss her, then get up and go to work. Not to hunt the supernatural as had always been his life's job, but to go to a civilian job. He worked as a mechanic at a local garage. Fixing cars was the only real world skill he actually possessed. After a day at work he could come home and help set the table for dinner. Then sit and eat with Lisa and Ben while they chatted about their daily activities. Ben's school activities, softball practice, his friends and grades. Then they'd clean up, he'd drink. Drinking numbed the pain and he could spend the rest of the evening watching equally mind numbing television with his new family. Then he'd go to bed with Lisa and it would start all over again the following morning.

But it was all so fake. It was all just a game of pretend. He wasn't ok, this life wasn't what he wanted or needed. Sometimes he'd thought of having this sort of super normal, civilian life style, a wife, a brat, a white picket fence. But this wasn't really him. It was one big game of make believe. He wasn't a civilian that much was evidence from the salt lines at the windows and the devil's traps under carpets in front of all the doors. He was a hunter, raised to hunt things, born to save people, a natural born killer. He'd found himself often wishing that this was all some djinn dream or a trick by Gabriel. That he'd suddenly wake up and Sammy would be there.

It was so damn hard these months without Sam. He once thought that maybe this had been how Sam had felt that time the Trickster had put him in a time-loop and then left him in it for 6 months after his deal had come up and he'd gone to Hell. Or maybe when he actually did go to Hell and Sam spent four months without him, trying anything he could to get Dean back. Suddenly he could understand what that really must have been like for Sam to have had to live without his big brother, his only blood family. No wonder Sam had changed so much after those events. It really wasn't hard to see why Sam had hooked up with Ruby while he'd been in Hell. But even through all those problems they'd stayed together. Had each other's backs regardless of their current squabble. Now though... he took another swig from the bottle and flopped back into the couch cushions.

_What hurts the most_

_Was being so close_

_And havin' so much to say_

_And watchin' you walk away _

What he needed was his baby brother at his side, hunting down evil sonsofbitches together, staying in crap motel rooms and eating junk food, with their only real home being the four sides of the Impala. Being there for each other, "Us against the world, Sammy." And it hurts so damn much that those days are over forever. Sure he'd read through hundreds of books and websites looking for ways to save his Sammy from Lucifer's Cage, but even he knew that was all pointless. There was no way to get Sam out of the cage without breaking out Lucifer too and undoing everything Sam had done.

That had been the hardest part, for Dean, of the whole Apocalypse ordeal. It wasn't the Devil, or the angels, the chaos, or the horsemen, or even Sam drinking demon blood, which he couldn't live with. What had been the worst was that day in Chicago in a dimly lit pizza joint, facing down Death himself, and promising to let Sam jump in that damn hole. Swearing that he would let his brother, the brother he was supposed to protect no matter what, sacrifice himself for the good of all mankind. And even worse than that was he'd made good on that promise, even helped make it happen. He'd done something he never would have thought he could do. He'd let his brother go, let him walk away, and jump into the very worst part of Hell.

There'd been so much he'd wanted to tell Sammy that day in Stull Cemetery. So much and yet there was very little he could actually say. He'd given Sam the only line that really mattered, "Sammy? It's ok. I'm here. I'm not going to leave you." It was half a lie though because he'd always meant that line to mean that they would never be parted. That he would always be there for Sam, to protect him, to love him, to be his big brother. But once Sam got control back from Lucifer he could only nod and let Sam leave, leave him to live alone forever. So his baby brother went to Hell to save the world and Dean's personal Hell on Earth began.

_And never knowin'_

_What could've been_

_And not seein' that lovin' you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do _

What would have happened if Dean hadn't kept his promise to Death? Hadn't let Sam say yes? Hadn't let Sam jump into the pit? Or if that road had been inevitable once they'd chosen not to side with either the demons or the angels, then what if he'd jumped in with Sam? At least then they'd both be in Hell being tortured for the part they shared in starting the damn Apocalypse. Or going even further back, were there other paths he could have taken, words that could have been spoken to get them both off the path that Destiny intended them to play, much sooner? Before their relationship had literally and metaphorically gone to Hell?

He'd tried so damn hard to do the one thing that really meant something in his life. The one order he was going to follow without question. Protect your brother. Protect Sammy. Protect MY Sammy. In the time since Sam had made his swan dive, Dean had gone over every memory he had of Sam from the time of his birth to his... He lived in those memories, fleeing from this so called reality that was so damn messed up. He remembered the day his Dad had taken him to the hospital to see his Mom and his new baby brother. He'd seen that baby in his mother's arms and his eyes went wide and locked on the tiny form. The baby looked so small and helpless and fragile. His parents told him his name was Sam.

"Sammy," he'd said instantly, not looking at his parents but breathing the name reverently to the child in his mother's arms, as if christening the baby for himself. When Sam had been brought home a couple days later, Dean had begged to hold Sammy. As soon as that precious bundle was in his arms he knew that this child was his and his alone. Sammy belonged to him, was born just for Dean. And for as long as Dean lived, his Sammy would be protected and cared for.

As Sammy grew, those thoughts and feelings never wavered. Even after his father had told him a bit about the night of the fire, the night their mother had died. He couldn't find reason to blame his baby brother for what had happened to their Mom. In fact, if anything the news made him even more protective of Sammy, if that were even possible. That demon that killed their Mom could have killed his Sammy too, and it was still out there somewhere. It could come back and try to finish what it'd started. But Dean wouldn't let it take his brother from him. He would kill the demon before it could touch a single hair on Sammy's head.

So they'd gone through their childhood together. Dean was never very far from Sam, always keeping a close eye on him. He learned how to shoot and eventually how to hunt, and that made him feel stronger and more capable in his self-appointed job. And he protected Sammy from the truth for as long as possible. But his Sammy was a curious and rather intelligent child and soon he too knew about the dark creatures that lurked in the night. And then his training with their father also began and Dean had nearly thrown a fit. Dean was usually a very well behaved child, following his father's every order. But that first time Sam had been taken out to shoot cans when he was 9 years old (much older than the 6 years that Dean had been when he'd first learned to shoot), Dean had been furious. He'd had half the idea to shoot their father in order to protect Sam from the dangerous life of hunting. For Dean this life and training was exactly what he needed to fulfill his duties. But for Sam it was unnecessary in Dean's mind. With Dean around Sammy would never have to fire a gun, would never have to hunt the creatures of the darkness. Dean would be the soldier and Sam could be the civilian that he protected.

But of course that hadn't happened and by the time Sam went on his first hunt it was too late, Sam was inducted into the life of a hunter forever. Then his Sammy had walked away from him, left him. It was like Sammy had plunged a knife into his brother's heart. But even once Sam had run away to college, trying to be normal, it wasn't enough. Dean had tried to be happy for Sam that he had gotten away from their Dad and hunting. Maybe that would protect him the best. But at the same time all Dean wanted was to be with Sam again 24/7. With Sam at college Dean couldn't fulfill his role and he became moody, anxious, and reckless on hunts. Without Sammy to protect there was no need to be careful. And if some evil s.o.b. got to him then whatever, at least his Sammy was safe living a normal "apple pie" life. And maybe Dean had to admit that when he'd received his monthly letter from Sammy, and Sam talked about having met this nice girl named Jessica, maybe Dean felt the pangs of jealousy. Sammy was His brother, why should anyone else get to have him? But then he reasoned with himself that if Sam was going to live a normal life, then he'd get himself a girlfriend and maybe eventually get married. A normal life for Sam meant not only could Dean Not be with Sammy all the time or protect him, but he'd also have to share his ownership. He'd have to share his love for Sammy with someone else, and that hurt the most.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go_

_But I'm doin' it_

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_

_Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret_

It had made Dean angry (though he'd never say so out loud), that Sammy would choose some stranger over his family, over his big brother. And soon their communication began to fail and before long Sammy didn't send letters anymore and Dean didn't stop by the campus anymore. Then two years passed, slowly at times, quickly during others. But it was all the same to Dean. He'd hunt with his Father and then he started hunting on his own. But life just wasn't life, without Sammy. It was just going through the motions, following orders, being a good soldier for his Dad. He still smiled easily, joked a lot, flirted with pretty women, but it was all just that outer Dean facade. The mask he wore for everyone except Sammy. Without his baby brother in his life he felt more alone in the world than he ever had before. Because of how John raised them and how they lived, Dean had always known that he was pretty much alone, and would be for the rest of his life. But there was always one exception at his side, at least he'd always thought there would be, that would be all he ever needed to make the loneliness disappear, His Sammy. He began to think that he had helped to drive Sammy away to school. That he hadn't stood up for him enough when he would get into fights with Dad, or he'd stand by while Dad was too hard on him. That he hadn't stopped Sammy from walking away that night in Flagstaff. He only had himself to blame for his current loneliness. And so he woke alone every morning, got dressed, drove to the hunt, and lived with his heart full of doubt and regret.

Then Dad disappeared, and he had no idea what to do. Only one thought jumped to the forefront of his mind. If Dad had disappeared he had to check to make sure his Sammy was ok. And then once he'd dragged his selfish brother from that damn school they could search for their Dad and be a family again. Of course Sammy was resistant at first, he'd always been stubborn and a bit of a pain in the ass priss, if truth was to be told. But Dean was awesome at coercion and truth be told he knew deep down that Sam wanted to go with him. Maybe Sammy had missed his big brother after all. They easily fell right back into the swing of things, hunting, joking, pranking. It gave Dean hope, that once they'd done one hunt together they would just keep going and Sammy would never look back. But that was too much to hope for. Sam had too many connections and promises for the future waiting for him back at school.

But destiny was about to hand Dean his brother back on a silver platter. Not what Dean had wished for, he'd never wish for such heartache for his brother. But boy if that pretty girlfriend's death didn't send Sammy scampering back to Dean's side. Now though he was out for revenge and Dean didn't see that as being an entirely good thing. Sure it meant that Sammy now wanted what he and their Dad had always wanted the thing that had killed Mom, and now Jessica, dead. But revenge had never been the best of reasons to do anything and though that was the cat calling the kettle black, Dean didn't want his Sammy's soul being tainted by a quest for revenge that had already tainted the rest of the Winchester family. But Dean never could deny Sammy of what he wanted and so they hunted. Together again, it was like Dean had woken up from a bad dream and, with the exception of a few mentions of Jessica and his time at Stanford; it was as if Sam had never left.

_But I know if I could do it over_

_I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart_

_That I left unspoken _

But there was so much crap they went through. The first couple years had been the time of Dean's life. Just him and his Sammy. No Dad to come between them or order them around, though sometimes Dean's ingrained loyalty to their father got him in arguments with Sammy. Dean had almost died twice during that first year together, but had he actually kicked the bucket he would have gone a happy man into the afterlife. Then Sam died, he'd failed Sammy, hadn't been able to get to him in time to save him. He should have been there. He should have stopped Jake Talley, (curse his name forever). His failure led to everything else that would happen in the coming three years. He'd done everything to figure out the starting point and had always gone back to that night in Cold Oaks. He could have blamed himself for bringing Sam back from the dead but he knew if put in the same position again, looking at his Sammy's lifeless body on that ratty bed, he would do it all over again, even knowing full well the consequences. No the blame rested where he always knew it had. He let down the people that he loved. He'd never told Sammy all the words that he should have.

The words he'd spoken to Sammy in that room would haunt him always, "Always tried to protect you. Keep you safe. Dad didn't even have to tell me. It was just always my responsibility, you know? It's like I had one job. I had one job, and I screwed it up. I blew it, and for that, I'm sorry. I guess that's what I do. I let down the people I love. You know, I let Dad down, and now I guess I'm just supposed to let you down, too. How can I? How am I supposed to live with that? What am I supposed to do? Sammy? What am I supposed to do?" He did what he had to do, he had to put things to rights and bring his Sammy back, because a world without Sam was Hell regardless. And he'd just continued to screw things up from there. He hadn't been understanding of Sammy's feelings and his desperation to save his big brother from Hell. And then he'd gone and died on him. He'd left Sam, effectively abandoning him in a time when he'd really needed his big brother's protection. And not only that but he'd opened the door in Hell for the Apocalypse to start. He'd failed completely, gave into weakness and tortured souls. He wasn't the big brother he'd always tried to be for his Sammy.

_What hurts the most_

_Was being so close_

_And havin' so much to say_

_And watchin' you walk away_

He was a damaged soul when he'd returned. He was a broken man, but perhaps it was Sammy that had truly been tortured and changed by their time apart. That black eyed skank had been the only one who Sam could talk to and she wriggled her way into his life when Dean wasn't there to keep Sam on the straight and narrow. They found themselves at odds with each other more often than not by that point. He feared that Sammy was truly going darkside and he blamed himself because he hadn't been there to stop Sammy. And he couldn't fix things then because Sammy had been right, he was weak, he couldn't do what needed to be done. So Sammy had filled in his big brother's shoes in the only way he could and it resulted in the world crashing down upon them. The seals all fell thanks to Lilith and the angels, and most of all Ruby. Ruby had gotten so between them that when Dean told Sam not to walk away from him, he did. He chose that demon bitch over his brother, his family. And Dean regretted speaking those words, his father's words, to his Sammy. What did he expect Sam to do hearing Dean repeat what their father had told him the night he left for Stanford? Of course Sam was going to walk away, and Dean had to watch it happen, for the second time in his life, but not the last.

_And never knowin'_

_What could've been_

_And not seein' that lovin' you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

The last. Dean drank the last swig from his fifth and dropped the bottle on the floor next to the couch. It really was over now. Over for them both. Sam had walked away for a third and final time. It was something that rested on Dean's shoulders yet again. His failure each and every time. Not stopping Dad the first time, not being there for Sammy the second time, and the third time, the hardest, letting Sammy go. Had they both grown and learned from their trials? Of course they had. But still Dean wished things had remained the same always. The simpler days of standard ghost hunts, crossing the country with Sammy as his co-pilot. Taking in the sights that rural America had to offer. Sleeping in nearly every junk motel from the Atlantic to the Pacific. Pulling pranks on each other like elementary school children, eating junk food (though Sammy rarely let a greasy french fry pass his lips), and being all they needed for each other. That was what it was all about. The best moments were the quiet ones, sharing a beer together, sitting on the hood of the Impala watching the stars, being side by side, so close that they only needed to twitch or shift slightly to brush against each other.

That was what should've always been. It damn well could've been but all the monsters and the demons and the angels came along and screwed it up. Destiny was crap but maybe choosing Freedom had been worse. He'd tried so damn hard to make it all right but he just couldn't. He'd tried to love and protect his baby brother the way he was supposed to but that had failed. Dean lay back on the couch and flung his arm over his eyes. It was getting late and the rain was still pouring and thunder and lightning had begun to clash sometime over the past hour. He didn't have any lights on but he'd place a safe bet that the power was out. It was also getting late and Lisa still wasn't home. He'd take a guess that she'd be spending the night at her sister's to weather out the storm but couldn't get through with the power down to call Dean and tell him what was going on. Dean was sufficiently drunk and his tears had dried up a while ago. But that didn't stop his thoughts; the pain was still sharp tonight, as if resisting being dulled, like the pain was coming from the rain and wouldn't go away until the waterworks outside ceased.

_Not seein' that lovin' you_

_That's what I was trying to do._

Time passed, though how much Dean didn't rightly know and he saw a glint in front of his eyes as lightning flashed through the windows. He lifted his hand and saw that it was the silver ring on his right ring finger that was causing the bright glinting near his face. And the ring brought another memory. A quiet moment, one that would be overlooked in the grand scheme of things. You probably wouldn't find this particular event mentioned in any of Chuck's prophetic books. Dean knew this because he'd read the books and noticed that only the things which were somehow important to angels or demons had made the cut in Chuck's dreams of them. The prophet might have seen some of the quiet moments but in the long run he'd excluded all but the ones that somehow mattered. And that was fine by him because this memory belonged exclusively to him and his Sammy. It was important only to them.

It had been just after Sam had rejoined Dean after leaving Stanford. They'd been sharing a quiet beer at the side of some backwater road as dusk was falling around them. The sun setting over the fields of green and brown rolling off into the distance on either side was actually quite stunning. They hadn't said much, hadn't needed to as they leaned on the Impala's hood and sipped at their beers while watching the sun set. Sam back then had preferred to keep silent anyways, retreating into his thoughts whenever he could afford to. And Dean figured that after what the kid had been through it was best to leave Sam alone. But this day it was Sam that broke the peaceful quiet that had fallen on their personal part of the world.

"Dean?" Sammy had muttered quietly. Dean looked towards his brother and then gave an offhanded noise to indicate for Sam to go on, that he was all ears. Sam shifted in a fidgety manner and slipped a hand into the left pocket of his jeans before saying with as much bravado as he could muster, "Put out your hand would ya? I want to give you something."

Dean knew he'd given his brother a weird, raised eyebrow look at that, out of the blue, request. But there was something about Sam's eyes that made him stop in his tracks. He was giving Dean those dew eyed, half anxious, half determined, puppy eyes. This was something Sammy wanted him to take seriously. But Dean didn't do serious, especially under these kinds of conditions. Something about this screamed awkward to Dean. It made him uncomfortable so he shrugged and took another swig of beer before saying with his usual witty gusto, "What the heck Sammy? This isn't some sort of chick-flick moment is it? You know I don't do…" He stopped there as he watched Sammy's eyes fall to his shoes and his head begin to shake back and forth sadly. He knew that look. Sam was thinking that he'd made a mistake. And if Dean didn't reassure him quickly then he'd never hear or find out what this was all about. And that could come back to bite him in the ass so he switched from playing the defensive to playing safety. He sighed deeply and put on his best serious face, "Ok come on Sammy you can say whatever you have to, I won't judge you."

Sammy looked up at him, searching his face to make sure Dean wasn't joking. Then he said again, "Hold out your hand." This time Dean did as he was told and held out his right hand to Sam. He had to hold back the smart ass comment that nearly fell off his lips ("Since we're doing the chick-flick thing, should I close my eyes too?"). But he restrained his sarcasm and watched as Sam pulled a small, shiny object out of his pocket. And then his hand was being cradled in one of his little brother's large, warm hands and the other was placing a double banded, silver ring on his right ring finger. Then Sammy's hands were gone and Dean was left to stare at the trinket left on his finger that was glinting in the dying sunlight. There was a moment of tense silence and he was about to ask what this was about, when Sam began speaking.

"I took this from you before I left for Stanford. I kind of meant it as something to keep you close to me, while we were apart. After we stopped talking I'd considered throwing it away but I couldn't part with it. It did make me feel closer to you, connected or something. I want you to have it back now though. It served its purpose for me. Now I want it to show you that as long as you have that ring, we'll always be connected even if we're not together." Sam had rushed through his monologue, trying to get it all out before his brother started laughing at him or worse, hit him for being too girly. But neither ever came not even after Sam had finished and braced himself for the inevitable backlash.

Dean could only stare at the ring and his brother, not able to really voice all the emotions he could feel bubbling in his heart. He recognized the ring now. He'd thought he'd lost it years ago and had never given it a second thought. Now to find out it had been with his Sammy all this time. Well as corny as what Sam had said, sounded, he could understand it. He felt as if having the ring that Sam had had for all those years apart made him a part of those years of Sam's life again. That he'd never been alone, in truth he'd been with Sammy the whole time. He also believed in what Sammy said about making them feel connected to each other. But he couldn't voice all that and not turn this into a super sappy moment. So he smiled at Sammy and said a simple but heartfelt, "Thank you." And that had been the end of that. They drank the rest of their beer and then got into the Impala to drive to their next destination down the long winding road ahead of them.

Or it would have been if Dean hadn't noticed later, that on the inside of the band there was an inscription. The words hadn't meant much then, sure they were beautiful and probably very touching but the meaning was half lost on Dean and he wasn't willing to open up his own sappy moment and ask Sam about them. So time had gone on and Dean had worn the ring constantly. His two most precious possessions were his ring and his necklace, both gifts from his Sammy. But much later on down the road, Dean would take off the ring and stare at the inscription and wonder if perhaps Sam had chosen the words after seeing some sort of prophetic vision of his. The words were so true that they made his heart break and yet at the same time could mend all the emotional wounds that Sam and he were going through, just by reciting the words to himself. He agreed wholeheartedly with the verse and at some point had decided to buy a matching ring for Sammy and have the inscription put on it for him as well. A matching pair to be a forever reminder of their bond as brothers.

But then Lucifer had risen and the chance never presented itself to give Sam the other ring. In fact it wasn't long after that, that Dean had felt so betrayed by Sam that he had taken off the ring. He'd wanted to chuck it into the nearest large body of water, never to be seen again. But he couldn't and each time he'd tried he recalled Sammy's rushed words that peaceful afternoon, what seemed like far too many years ago. Sam had been angry with Dean while at Stanford and almost threw away the ring, but he couldn't do it. And now that Sam had given it to Dean the weight of what the ring represented prevented him from tossing it. So he carried both rings in his duffel bag, held together on a chain that he ran through a ring loop on one of the inside pockets of his bag, so as never to lose either.

He pulled his ring off his finger now to look at the words running around the inside. He had put the ring back on after Sam's departure because it was all he had left. In his stupidity he had thrown away his necklace from Sam. The ring he'd intended to give to Sam was still in his bag out in the garage in the trunk of the Impala. And there it would stay forever. The Impala had become a sort of memorial for Sammy and a reminder of their days together hunting. When it really got down to it five years wasn't a very long time, it had been the best and the worst of his life and it had all ended too soon. Sammy had been taken from him but he still had their connection right here in his hand. He closed his eyes and held the ring close to his heart, he'd made this silly wish dozens of times but each time gave him a sense of relief. He hoped to reach out to Sam's soul down there in Lucifer's cage, being tortured in Hell. And through that unbreakable bond, give his brother some sort of comfort, some sort of reminder that big brother Dean was still thinking of him, still connected to him, no matter what. And that someday they would see each other again. Neither Heaven nor Hell could keep them apart forever.

With that done he slipped the ring back on his right ring finger and recited the inscription quietly under his breath before passing out, the rain outside having quieted to a lulling pitter patter.

"I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see.

I sought my God, but my God eluded me.

I sought my brother, and I found all three."

(verse by William Blake)

* * *

This was intended as a much shorter one-shot but took on a life of it's own (the intended 500-1000 words turned into over 5000). And it got a little more wincest-y than originally intended but the ideas just kept rolling, for that I apologize, but it still could be seen as Sam and Dean's strong bond of brotherly love, not incestuous. Also because of the direction this took it may very well end up being either the first part or just having some sort of connection to the longer fanfic I'm working on (which is heavily wincest though may or may not stray into hardcore territory, I haven't decided yet).

A note to SPN fans who might rail me for changing or messing with some of the show's established canon, first off it's fanfiction for a reason and secondly, how long Sam and Dean didn't have contact with each other between when Sam left for college and rejoining Dean, is a piece of hotly contested canon. I like the idea that Dean kept in contact with Sam behind their father's back for a year or so before they ceased communication. This keeps with the actual script of the pilot episode where Dean says they haven't spoken in two years, but later there are mentions that Sam had been away for longer than that (making sense since he was probably in his last year of a 4 year degree at Stanford at the time of the Pilot). But even this line of thought probably doesn't excuse me for having Sam write to Dean about Jessica. Dean had no idea about Jess in the Pilot and Sam probably got hooked up with Jess after communication between the brothers ended but for the sake of angst and plot I put that bit in there.

As for the ring at the end, yes it's a bit corny and probably very against canon (I think Dean's ring shows up in the second episode) but once I'd realized about half way through that this one shot was becoming a lot more, I started throwing in hints and little plot devices that will be used in other fics of mine or as a continuation of this.

Well I hope you enjoyed reading. Please if you did read it leave some sort of comment or critique as it encourages me to write more.


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